Monthly Archives: November 2008

portrait of a clown

it’s break.

1. portrait of a clown

2. cmp. bleh.

3. knitting quandary–what to knit?

4. lack of motivation.

5. upcoming recital.

6. short term memory

7. ezekiel 36 and 37.

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won’t shrink back

hebrews 10:39

but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.

i’m struggling to try tonight.  tragedy struck very close to home and though i cling to the cross and the hope and salvation there, i ache for the lost.  actually, my feelings and emotions are really jumbled.  disbelief mixed with anger and sadness and concern.  it’s a mess.  v. 36 in the same chapter says ” for you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised”.  granted, finishing this paper might not be the means to the end of receiving what is promised, but i need to endure and pull through my numb-ness.  if not for the sake of writing a paper and turning it in on time, for the sake of those who do not share in the hope that i have.  picture it this way:  people around me see how desolate and weary i am, depending on my own weakness to carry on, and they don’t want a stinkin’ part of that for their own life.  on the contrary, people see me lean on the unshakable rock that is God and fight these emotions with spirit-led love for other peeps, and they want a piece of that.

or so i speculate on a very tired brain.  lord, please grant me clarity in thinking for endurance or remove the fogginess that prevents it.  please sustain me and lift this heavy burden from my heart.  fortify me, draw me near to you, and uplift me with your promises.  i thank you for life, Lord, and desire to live mine for your glory.  lord, i am but a beggar who’s found the bread.  help me share that bread with other beggars, and help me to meet people in their distress and distraught emotions.  ‘but you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and did not forsake [the israelites].’ nehemiah 9:17.  i need you, Lord.

daniel 10:12

Then he said to me, “fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand and humbled yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words…”

God hears us immediately.

We can pray. We can pray. We can pray.
And our God hears and saves. Sweetness.

The Lord has been deliberately speaking to me about prayer this semester, no doubt. And that isn’t it–certain topics keep laying themselves on my heart. I take the repetition to mean emphasis.

…but i’m procrastinating. more later, when I have time to afford.

peace!

the most significant battles are fought on the knees. I’m not sure who this is on the radio (swindoll?), but i’m digging the message. I want to fight like that.

i already wrote

i came back from dropping a friend off at his apartment to find both k and s asleep with the door locked.

It was kind of weird, to tell you the truth.

I find myself being slightly impatient with God’s timing.  Not to say I want him to ruin the surprise…just wondering about things I’ve been mulling over lately (last month or so) regarding the future.  Right now I’ve got on the docket teaching or camp in the forefront with a newer abroad kick.  That’s probably the result of a combination of things including a highly compelling speaker who is so passionate about the reaching of the unreached that it draws people in for more.  I suppose more than impatience I’m frustrated with myself for trying to contrive God’s will out of mine, rather than finding mine in His.  Kind of like the age old example of a child wanting to be an athlete or an artist without putting in the steps to get there. it’s a bad analogy because you can’t work hard enough to get your will, but the sequence is still important in both.  God’s sequence is important.  Sometimes, my discipler said yesterday, God gives in to our persistent demands, knowing that His gifts are more good and it takes us a while to realize He was right in the first place and the things we thought we wanted were not great like we thought.

Anywhoo…I’m back to coughing up a lung and I’ve got plenty to do tomorrow.  Peace, yo.

*cough cough*

It’s just the strangest thing.  I am sick, but my only symptom is a cough.  My energy and alertness are normal, I don’t ache (except I suppose now that I’ve been hacking my back, abs, and throat are getting a little fatigued), and I’m not tired.  My cough is awful though.  Not fun to have, but especially not fun to be around.  No tailgating for me.  This is excellent news for the pile of work I have to do…minus rehearsing with my trio.  Add to that the not-open University Archives and my weekend becomes a little less productive.

In conversation with my discipler yesterday, I was reminded of a quote from camp.  I’ll butcher it here:  if, in a given situation, you are seeking God, then it’s okay.  I need to make this my life’s work.  Yep.

It’s cold today.  Time for flannel sheets.  There’s snow falling from the sky!  Exciting, but not sticking, so even better.  I haven’t driven in the snow since…high school?  Peace to you!

fear

God has been speaking to my heart about fear lately.  It is a theme that keeps coming up in conversation, no matter where I am.  A missionary spoke to our church and later to our campus ministry about fear.  I heard a random Chuck Swindoll sermon on the radio about fear tonight.  A couple of the folks at camp talked about fear this past weekend.  At least I think they did.  They mentioned it, anyway.

I find it interesting that God has something to say to me about fear right now because though I’ve been pretty nonchalant about the impending future (which is coming up in something like 22 days of class and a couple finals, one of which I still need to reschedule–ack. tomorrow), the openness of what lies ahead in addition to leaving my church and my home for the last three and a half years gives me a twang of fear.  That grows when I let it; it grows when I trust that irrational judgment more than the will God has for my life.

In other news, the election is finally over.  I am not going to comment on the outcome because I avoid political jargon like the plague, but I am concerned about the divisive nature of this election.  Democrats threatened to move to Canada if McCain won.  They won’t have to do that, of course, but on facebook (the ever-valid and upheld source of reason) one of the status updates included a message that said she wished all the Republicans would leave.  Excuse me?  I understand she doesn’t represent every person who voted for Obama or considers themself remotely democrat, but if anyone in America feels that way, what’s the sense of a democracy?  We need the opposing viewpoint if, for nothing else, to ensure some balance and some checks.  Granted, there are folks who will never ever in their wildest dreams support something with a conservative label on it (and vice versa for liberal labels), but that doesn’t mean what they want goes hands down.

And with that, let me conclude with a prayer request for Scott, Emily, and Madeline, and their big day tomorrow.