This break has been aptly timed. Can’t say that I’m itching to go back yet (because it’s a long, hard run to the finish), but I am rejoicing that it has been so full of rest. I’ve spread myself out in the apartment (no worries, it’ll all be cleaned up before my roommate comes home), which has been very enjoyable…though I can’t seem to finish any project that I start, including cleaning up. I set some goals for today and write now as a “reward” for gathering up the trash to take to the dumpster. Having not showered yet for the day, I’ll wait to actually take it down :).
I’ve been reflecting on contentedness lately. God has moved quite a bit in establishing community here for me (read any number of my posts in the last several months and you will see this to be true), and I am so thankful for that. A year ago there was hope, but now there is fruit. Love that. My contentedness in this station of life is pretty good, too. Work’s good, being single’s good, family and friend time is good. But I still have moments of discontent. Whether that’s more generally (like the devastation of imperfect bodies facing unknown disease…and me only being able to pray…which come to think of it is really powerful, but the rest is just frivolous and useless feeling), or specifically (desires not yet fulfilled).
But my discontent isn’t really with God or his set of gifts for me now. I think this reflection is monumental, in light of past discontent. I am not upset with God for the way things are when I’m feeling low. Maybe this is out of place and underdeveloped, but my discontent comes from within (and towards) my own heart of envy? Dis-trust? Not sure. Bear with me, here’s a weird one. I love hearing people’s engagement stories and how they met, wedding planning, the joys of marriage, and waiting for babies to come (etc.), but part of my heart is sick for that. Every time I’m invited into that joy, I love it, but then I come away from it feeling heartsick or disappointed. Like Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda who ate forbidden cake and then was given an entire cake to eat as punishment. You like that? Here, have some more!
If you are one who is sharing the joy of your relationships and your blessings from God, do NOT WITHHOLD in light of this. Scripture instructs us to share the joy and pain of this life with the body. Romans 12:15 says:
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
I know that I need to continue to learn and grow to live in Love (the entire chapter of Romans 12 is an extreme challenge.)…not in the rut of self-centered thinking. I am not bitter, without hope, or depressed, but in need of further sanctification :).
It’s not a very proud moment to admit this, but the fact that my pride wants to delete this post leads me to post it. My life is beautiful and blessed, but it is not an always sunny facebook status that paints a flawless facade.
And with that…the chore list calls again. I wrote down the bathroom on the list (hehe, it’s not really very dirty!) before I can do some crafting. Knitting in a jiffy! Also, enjoy these finished KAL monkey photos!